Author, podcaster, consultant and mum-of-ten Danusia Malina-Derben on being neurodivergent, working out how much to share of herself and wanting to 'flee' after publishing something new, online.
I just typed out a whole answer and it deleted #Sigh...this piece was ace. I rarely read Substacks but this one caught my eye. Iām not very relatable.
This names something profound for me. Wow. As women, our evolutionary psychology socializes us to be relatable at all times- in order to belong and to maintain social connections. I am just beginning to notice the cost of this- the constant feeling of self-betrayal. I loved your line: āā¦.I am unwilling to abandon parts of myself in order to make other people comfortable.ā I am not quite there yet- but getting there?!? Thanks for this.
Today was one of those rare occasions I went through my emails to unsubscribe from the ones that bore the hell out of me and I never read. Then I got to your email. Ironically I very much related to the title 'I am not relatable'. I've felt this in my bones many times. I've always struggled with the idea of joining 'women's communities' (blugh) and if I do ever get into one, I just feel like a square peg in a round hole. But your email has made me realise that I need to celebrate that and not be afraid to stand out from the crowd and be proudly unrelatable. So no, I'm not going to unsubscribe to your email Danusia, in fact, I'm off to buy your books!
Oh my goodness I love this piece so much Danusia! I was chatting just the other day on why I often lock public comments because any icky ones somehow find their way into my dreams š¤·āāļø
Hereās to the sensitive, resilient, people of this world. š„ Thereās a line in a Harry Baker poem - Wonderful - which says: āMay you be a contradiction.ā
That's a very interesting (and well written) take and it edges me a little closer to understanding why I blogged copiously right up to my ADHD diagnosis (at 66) last year and then suddenly lost the desire to blog any more, at precisely the moment when I thought I'd have an interesting story to tell.
I've noted 2 quotes: "The challenge has never been knowing who I am; it has been decidingĀ how much of myself to translate," and "But authenticity becomes more complicated when you are constantly aware of the distance between what you mean and what other people hear."
I feel that first quote in my bones. I think we learn situational 'translation.'
The second quote isn't just about the distance and gap. I think it also speaks to how people want to self-identify - see a piece of themselves in what they read, but distort what's actually on the page -in a quest for belonging and connection. A comment exchange ensues, of polite correction or frustrated misalignment.... can you tell I've experienced that! ;-)
Beware the comments that bait a correction-response, I'm seeing more of those unfortunately.
I am chuckling because I found this article VERY relatable, but I guess maybe I'm unrelatable with you:) Thanks for writing out thoughts I've had many times, cheers
I just typed out a whole answer and it deleted #Sigh...this piece was ace. I rarely read Substacks but this one caught my eye. Iām not very relatable.
Thank you so much for keeping going once you'd lost your words. So frustrating.
And thanks for reading from one unrelatable soul to another š«¶š¼
Thank you for persevering. Lovely to hear from you, Dayna. Ax
Hey Annie, great to hear from you too. Thank you!
This names something profound for me. Wow. As women, our evolutionary psychology socializes us to be relatable at all times- in order to belong and to maintain social connections. I am just beginning to notice the cost of this- the constant feeling of self-betrayal. I loved your line: āā¦.I am unwilling to abandon parts of myself in order to make other people comfortable.ā I am not quite there yet- but getting there?!? Thanks for this.
We all contain multitudes! Good on you for embracing yours and not distilling yourself for the sake of relatability.
Today was one of those rare occasions I went through my emails to unsubscribe from the ones that bore the hell out of me and I never read. Then I got to your email. Ironically I very much related to the title 'I am not relatable'. I've felt this in my bones many times. I've always struggled with the idea of joining 'women's communities' (blugh) and if I do ever get into one, I just feel like a square peg in a round hole. But your email has made me realise that I need to celebrate that and not be afraid to stand out from the crowd and be proudly unrelatable. So no, I'm not going to unsubscribe to your email Danusia, in fact, I'm off to buy your books!
Oh my goodness I love this piece so much Danusia! I was chatting just the other day on why I often lock public comments because any icky ones somehow find their way into my dreams š¤·āāļø
Hereās to the sensitive, resilient, people of this world. š„ Thereās a line in a Harry Baker poem - Wonderful - which says: āMay you be a contradiction.ā
Yes. Yes, you may. š
That's a very interesting (and well written) take and it edges me a little closer to understanding why I blogged copiously right up to my ADHD diagnosis (at 66) last year and then suddenly lost the desire to blog any more, at precisely the moment when I thought I'd have an interesting story to tell.
Great piece, Danusia.
I've noted 2 quotes: "The challenge has never been knowing who I am; it has been decidingĀ how much of myself to translate," and "But authenticity becomes more complicated when you are constantly aware of the distance between what you mean and what other people hear."
I feel that first quote in my bones. I think we learn situational 'translation.'
The second quote isn't just about the distance and gap. I think it also speaks to how people want to self-identify - see a piece of themselves in what they read, but distort what's actually on the page -in a quest for belonging and connection. A comment exchange ensues, of polite correction or frustrated misalignment.... can you tell I've experienced that! ;-)
Beware the comments that bait a correction-response, I'm seeing more of those unfortunately.
I am chuckling because I found this article VERY relatable, but I guess maybe I'm unrelatable with you:) Thanks for writing out thoughts I've had many times, cheers
This resonated and I loved it thank you for sharing x